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McDude's Kind of CoolOne out of three ain't bad (Roomates) |
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� 2001-11-05 - 10:15 p.m. I was inspired by Ellena to write about two of my former roommates. My first semester in college I had this guy as a roommate that had some serious problems. He couldn�t control the act of flatulence. When he had enough gas build up it would slowly leak out. When I say slowly I do not mean 10 seconds. Gas would slowly leak for 2 or 3 minutes. You new it was coming when a lightly audible squeaking noise would come from his side of the room. I believe he was always caught off guard because he followed his situation by discretely lighting candles and turning up the volume on something. It wasn�t a raunchy gas that would cause you to evacuate the room. It was an almost bearable sweet smell. Kind of like when you first grab a warm plate. You think you can carry it to the table. But soon the heat becomes unbearable and you are forced to hurry to set the plate down. When the gas first hit you, thoughts like �Thank God it isn�t that bad. I can stand this.� would run through your head. Then suddenly, bam it hits and your running with that unbearable plate again. I feel bad for the guy and his physical abnormalities. He didn�t have much use of his left hand and he had a bad limp. Which is why I can�t make fun of the guy he was a good guy. But sometimes I just wanted a room that didn�t smell like sugarcoated ass. The next semester he moved into a frat. I could make fun of him for that. But he beat the odds and actually made into a frat with his condition. So I admire him. My final roommate could have played the stereotypical nerd role on Saved By the Bell. A devout Christian, he took the Bible at face value. Some of his beliefs drove me nuts. First, he doubts evolution and believed everyone came from Adam and Eve. Then after mankind was wiped out by God Noah spawned the current population. Stubbornly he stood by his beliefs. Which is kind of cool. I didn�t try to change his mind but often argued with him on beliefs I found a little ridiculous. I would argue for homosexuality, alcohol, masturbation, cussing, anti-capital punishment, and pornography. He stalked girls he had classes with. After looking up their numbers he would call them and ask them to lunch. An excuse was all he ever received. The poor guy never even got a �no�. He was left in a horny depression. I say he was horny because he would hump his bed in his sleep. I assume he was having wet dreams and not masturbating. I am sure the wet dreams left him riddled in guilt. The guy couldn�t even bend a rule without an angel on his shoulder telling him to straighten up. The dorm had a rule that the all doors had to be closed after 8 o�clock at night. I had lived in that room in the prior two years. During which time I had made many friends and had the habit of leaving the door open. He being a strict rule guy would close the door promptly at 8. I would open it about 10 minutes later. He would close it ten minutes after that. It was such fun. I would tell him I�d be in the restroom. I�ll return 5 minutes later and the door will be locked with him inside. I would knock even though I had my key just to make him open the door. He had extremely high standards for cordless phones. The first week of the semester he bought one that worked great. It had great range so I could walk down the hall with it. The phone would never cut out. But he thought that the battery life wasn�t good enough. This is because he refused to let the phone stay on the charger until the battery had completely run down like the instructions said. So, he took it back. The next phone was horrible. You couldn�t walk anywhere with it. But the battery life was okay. After that he bought a phone that had a good battery life and great range. The microphone volume wasn�t good enough. He said people were constantly asking him to speak up. But he never got any phone calls. Finally he returned that phone and bought the first one he had again. Also, he refused to cuss. However, �You know what happens when you assume? It makes a donkey out of U and Me�, would constantly come out of his mouth. After hearing this for the 100th time I went off. �Just say ass. Nothing is wrong with the word ass. Just fucking say ass.� After badgering him for about fifteen minutes about how ass is okay because it is in PG-13 movies he finally said it, �Alright ass, I said it are you happy now.� I took great pride in that moment. My other roommate from college kicks major ass. I guess 1 out of three ain�t bad. Like this entry? Vote for me here!
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