McDude's Diary

McDude's Kind of Cool

The Script to "The Big Lebowski"

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2001-08-09 - 9:50 p.m.

THE BIG LEBOWSKI We are floating up a steep scrubby slope. We hear male voices gently singing "Tumbling Tumbleweeds" and a deep, affable, Western-accented voice--Sam Elliot's, perhaps: VOICE-OVER A way out west there was a fella, fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least, that was the handle his lovin' parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Lebowski, he called himself the Dude. Now, Dude, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like- wise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place s'durned innarestin'. We top the rise and the smoggy vastness of Los Angeles at twilight stretches out before us. VOICE-OVER They call Los Angeles the City of Angels. I didn't find it to be that exactly, but I'll allow as there are some nice folks there. 'Course, I can't say I seen London, and I never been to France, and I ain't never seen no queen in her damn undies as the fella says. But I'll tell you what, after seeing Los Angeles and thisahere story I'm about to unfold-- wal, I guess I seen somethin' ever' bit as stupefyin' as ya'd see in any a those other places, and in English too, so I can die with a smile on my face without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. INTERIOR RALPH'S It is late, the supermarket all but deserted. We are tracking in on a fortyish man in Bermuda shorts and sunglasses at the dairy case. He is the Dude. His rumpled look and relaxed manner suggest a man in whom casualness runs deep. He is feeling quarts of milk for coldness and examining their expiration dates. VOICE-OVER Now this story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early nineties-- just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the Eye-rackies. I only mention it 'cause some- times there's a man--I won't say a hee-ro, 'cause what's a hee-ro?--but sometimes there's a man. The Dude glances furtively about and then opens a quart of milk. He sticks his nose in the spout and sniffs. VOICE-OVER And I'm talkin' about the Dude here-- sometimes there's a man who, wal, he's the man for his time'n place, he fits right in there--and that's the Dude, in Los Angeles. CHECKOUT GIRL She waits, arms folded. A small black-and white TV next to her register shows George Bush on the White House lawn with helicopter rotors spinning behind him. GEORGE BUSH This aggression will not stand. . . This will not stand! The Dude, peeking over his shades, scribbles something at the little customer's lectern. Milk beads his mustache. VOICE-OVER ...and even if he's a lazy man, and the Dude was certainly that--quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County. The Dude has his Ralph's Shopper's Club card to one side and is making out a check to Ralph's for sixty-nine cents. VOICE-OVER ...which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide--but sometimes there's a man. . . sometimes there's a man. EXTERIOR RALPH'S Long shot of the glowing Ralph's. There are only two or three cars parked in the huge lot. VOICE-OVER Wal, I lost m'train of thought here. But--aw hell, I done innerduced him enough. The Dude is a small figure walking across the vast lot. Next to him walks a Mexican carry-out boy in a red apron and cap carrying a small brown bag holding the quart of milk. The two men's footsteps echo in the still of the night. After a beat of walking the Dude offhandedly points. DUDE It's the LeBaron. DUDE'S HOUSE The Dude is going up the walkway of a small Venice bungalow court. He holds the paper sack in one hand and a small leatherette satchel in the other. He awkwardly hugs the grocery bag against his chest as he turns a key in his door. INSIDE The Dude enters and flicks on a light. His head is grabbed from behind and tucked into an armpit. We track with him as he is rushed through the living room, his arm holding the satchel flailing away from his body. Going into the bedroom the outflung satchel catches a piece of doorframe and wallboard and rips through it, leaving a hole. The Dude is propelled across the bedroom and on into a small bathroom, the satchel once again taking away a piece of doorframe. His head is plunged into the toilet. The paper bag hugged to his chest explodes milk as it hits the toilet rim and the satchel pulverizes tile as it crashes to the floor. The Dude blows bubbles. VOICE We want that money, Lebowski. Bunny said you were good for it. Hands haul the Dude out of the toilet. The Dude blubbers and gasps for air. VOICE Where's the money, Lebowski! His head is plunged back into the toilet. VOICE Where's the money, Lebowski! The hands haul him out again, dripping and gasping. VOICE WHERE'S THE FUCKING MONEY, SHITHEAD! DUDE It's uh, it's down there somewhere. Lemme take another look. His head is plunged back in. VOICE Don't fuck with us. If your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn, that means you owe money to Jackie Treehorn. The inquisitor hauls the Dude's head out one last time and flops him over so that he sits on the floor, back against the toilet. The Dude gropes back in the toilet with one hand. Looming over him is a strapping blond man. Beyond in the living room a young Chinese man unzips his fly and walks over to a rug. CHINESE MAN Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski. He starts peeing on the rug. The Dude's hand comes out of the toilet bowl with his sunglasses. DUDE Oh, man. Don't do-- BLOND MAN You see what happens? You see what happens, Lebowski? The Dude puts on his dripping sunglasses. DUDE Look, nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man. BLOND MAN Your name is Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny. DUDE Bunny? Look, moron. He holds up his hands. DUDE You see a wedding ring? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? All my plants are dead! The blond man stoops to unzip the satchel. He pulls out a bowling ball and examines it in the manner of a superstitious native. BLOND MAN The fuck is this? The Dude pats at his pockets, takes out a joint and lights it. DUDE Obviously you're not a golfer. The blond man drops the ball which pulverizes more tile. BLOND MAN Woo? The Chinese man is zipping his fly. WOO Yeah? BLOND MAN Wasn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire? WOO Uh? They both look around. WOO Fuck. BLOND MAN What do you think? WOO He looks like a fuckin' loser. The Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose with one finger and peeks over them. DUDE Hey. At least I'm housebroken. The two men look at each other. They turn to leave. WOO Fuckin' waste of time. The blond man turns testily at the door. BLOND MAN Thanks a lot, asshole. ON THE DOOR SLAM WE CUT TO: BOWLING PINS Scattered by a strike. Music and head credits play over various bowling shots--pins flying, bowlers hoisting balls, balls gliding down lanes, sliding feet, graceful releases, ball return spinning up a ball, fingers sliding into fingerholes, etc. The music turns into boomy source music, coming from a distant jukebox, as the credits end over a clattering strike. A lanky blonde man with stringy hair tied back in a ponytail turns from the strike to walk back to the bench. MAN Hot damn, I'm throwin' rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude. We are tracking in on the circular bench towards a big man nursing a large plastic cup of Bud. He has dark worried eyes and a goatee. Hairy legs emerge from his khaki shorts. He also wears a khaki army surplus shirt with the sleeves cut off over an old bowling shirt. This is Walter. He squints through the smoke from his own cigarette as he addresses the Dude at the scoring table. The Dude, also holding a large plastic cup of Bud, wears some of its foam on his mustache. WALTER This was a valued rug. He elaborately clears his throat. WALTER This was, uh-- DUDE Yeah man, it really tied the room together-- WALTER This was a valued, uh. Donny, the strike-scoring bowler, enters and sits next Walter. DONNY What tied the room together, Dude? WALTER Were you listening to the story, Donny? DONNY What-- WALTER Were you listening to the Dude's story? DONNY I was bowling-- WALTER So you have no frame of reference, Donny. You're like a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie and wants to know-- DUDE What's your point, Walter? WALTER There's no fucking reason--here's my point, Dude--there's no fucking reason-- DONNY Yeah Walter, what's your point? WALTER Huh? DUDE What's the point of--we all know who was at fault, so what the fuck are you talking about? WALTER Huh? No! What the fuck are you talking--I'm not--we're talking about unchecked aggression here-- DONNY What the fuck is he talking about? DUDE My rug. WALTER Forget it, Donny. You're out of your element. DUDE This Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill so what the fuck are you talking about? WALTER What the fuck are you talking about?! This Chinaman is not the issue! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not, uh--and also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred, uh. . . Asian- American. Please. DUDE Walter, this is not a guy who built the rail- roads, here, this is a guy who peed on my-- WALTER What the fuck are you-- DUDE Walter, he peed on my rug-- DONNY He peed on the Dude's rug-- WALTER YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT! This Chinaman is not the issue, Dude. DUDE So who-- WALTER Jeff Lebowski. Come on. This other Jeffrey Lebowski. The millionaire. He's gonna be easier to find anyway than these two, uh. these two . . . And he has the wealth, uh, the resources obviously, and there is no reason, no FUCKING reason, why his wife should go out and owe money and they pee on your rug. Am I wrong? DUDE No, but-- WALTER Am I wrong! DUDE Yeah, but-- WALTER Okay. That, uh. He elaborately clears his throat. That rap really tied the room together, did it not? DUDE Fuckin' A. DONNY And this guy peed on it. WALTER Donny! Please! DUDE Yeah, I could find this Lebowski guy-- DONNY His name is Lebowski? That's your name, Dude! DUDE Yeah, this is the guy, this guy should compensate me for the fucking rug. I mean his wife goes out and owes money and they pee on my rug. WALTER Thaaat's right Dude; they pee on your fucking Rug. CLOSE ON A PLAQUE We pull back from the name JEFFREY LEBOWSKI engraved in silver to reveal that the plaque, from Variety Clubs International, honors Lebowski as ACHIEVER OF THE YEAR. Reflected in the plaque we see the Dude entering the room with a YOUNG MAN. We hear the two men talk: YOUNG MAN And this is the study. You can see the various commendations, honorary degrees, et cetera. DUDE Yes, uh, very impressive. YOUNG MAN Please, feel free to inspect them. DUDE I'm not really, uh. YOUNG MAN Please! Please! DUDE Uh-huh. We are panning the walls, looking at various citations and certificates unrelated to the ones being discussed offscreen: YOUNG MAN That's the key to the city of Pasadena, which Mr. Lebowski was given two years ago in recognition of his various civic, uh. DUDE Uh-huh. YOUNG MAN That's a Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever award, which is given--not necessarily given every year! Given only when there's a worthy, somebody especially-- DUDE Hey, is this him with Nancy? YOUNG MAN That is indeed Mr. Lebowski with the first lady, yes, taken when-- DUDE Lebowski on the right? YOUNG MAN Of course, Mr. Lebowski on the right, Mrs. Reagan on the left, taken when-- DUDE He's handicapped, huh? YOUNG MAN Mr. Lebowski is disabled, yes. And this picture was taken when Mrs. Reagan was first lady of the nation, yes, yes? Not of California. DUDE Far out. YOUNG MAN And in fact he met privately with the President, though unfortunately there wasn't time for a photo opportunity. DUDE Nancy's pretty good. YOUNG MAN Wonderful woman. We were very-- DUDE Are these. YOUNG MAN These are Mr. Lebowski's children, so to speak-- DUDE Different mothers, huh? YOUNG MAN No, they-- DUDE I guess he's pretty, uh, racially pretty cool-- YOUNG MAN They're not his, heh-heh, they're not literally his children; they're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, inner-city children of promise but without the-- DUDE I see. YOUNG MAN --without the means for higher education, so Mr. Lebowski has committed to sending all of them to college. DUDE Jeez. Think he's got room for one more? YOUNG MAN One--oh! Heh-heh. You never went to college? DUDE Well, yeah I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various, um, administration buildings-- YOUNG MAN Heh-heh-- DUDE --smoking thai-stick, breaking into the ROTC-- YOUNG MAN Yes, heh-- DUDE --and bowling. I'll tell you the truth, Brandt, I don't remember most of it.--Jeez! Fuck me! Our continuing track and pan have brought us onto a framed Life Magazine cover which is headlined ARE YOU A LEBOWSKI ACHIEVER? Oddly, the Dude's sunglassed face is on it; we realize that, under the magazine's logo and headline, the display is mirrored. We hear the door open and the whine of a motor. The Dude, wearing shorts and a bowling shirt, turns to look. So does Brandt, the young man we've been listening to. He wears a suit and has his hands clasped in front of his groin. Entering the room is a fat sixtyish man in a motorized wheelchair--Jeff Lebowski. LEBOWSKI Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, I'm very busy so what can I do for you? He wheels himself behind a desk. The Dude sits facing him as Brandt withdraws. DUDE Well sir, it's this rug I have, really tied the room together- LEBOWSKI You told Brandt on the phone, he told me. So where do I fit in? DUDE Well they were looking for you, these two guys, they were trying to-- LEBOWSKI I'll say it again, all right? You told Brandt. He told me. I know what happened. Yes? Yes? DUDE So you know they were trying to piss on your rug-- LEBOWSKI Did I urinate on your rug? DUDE You mean, did you personally come and pee on my-- LEBOWSKI Hello! Do you speak English? Parla usted Inglese? I'll say it again. Did I urinate on your rug? DUDE Well no, like I said, Woo peed on the rug-- LEBOWSKI Hello! Hello! So every time--I just want to understand this, sir-- every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the-- DUDE Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here, I'm just-- LEBOWSKI You're just looking for a handout like every other--are you employed, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Look, let me explain something. I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or Duder. His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing-- LEBOWSKI Are you employed, sir? DUDE Employed? LEBOWSKI You don't go out and make a living dressed like that in the middle of a weekday. DUDE Is this a--what day is this? LEBOWSKI But I do work, so if you don't mind-- DUDE No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this will not stand, man. I mean, if your wife owes-- LEBOWSKI My wife is not the issue here. I hope that my wife will someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some chinaman in Korea took them from me but I went out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir, only you can. The Dude rises. DUDE Ah fuck it. LEBOWSKI Sure! Fuck it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything! The Dude is heading for the door. LEBOWSKI Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Lebowski! Condolences! The bums lost! As the Dude opens the door. LEBOWSKI ...My advice is, do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski? THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS-- The Dude shuts the door on the old man's bellowing to find himself-- HALLWAY --in a high coffered hallway. Brandt is approaching. BRANDT How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house. WALKWAY A houseman with a rolled-up carpet on one shoulder goes down a stone walk that winds through the back lawn, past a swimming pool to a garage. Brandt and the Dude follow. BRANDT Manolo will load it into your car for you, uh, Dude. DUDE It's the LeBaron. DUDE'S POINT OF VIEW Tracking toward the pool. A young woman sits facing it, her back to us, leaning forward to paint her toenails. Beyond her a black form floats in an inflatable chair in the pool. BRANDT Well, enjoy, and perhaps we'll see you again some time, Dude. DUDE Yeah sure, if I'm ever in the neighborhood, need to use the john. CLOSER TRACK Arcing around the woman's foot as she finishes painting the nails emerald green. THE DUDE Looking. WIDER The young woman looks up at him. She is in her early twenties. She leans back and extends her leg toward the Dude. YOUNG WOMAN Blow on them. The Dude pulls his sunglasses down his nose and peeks over them. DUDE Huh? She waggles her foot and giggles. YOUNG WOMAN G'ahead. Blow. The Dude tentatively grabs hold of her extended foot. DUDE You want me to blow on your toes? YOUNG WOMAN Uh-huh. . . I can't blow that far. The Dude looks over at the pool. DUDE You sure he won't mind? The man bobbing in the inflatable chair is passed out. He is thin, in his thirties, with long stringy blond hair. He wears black leather pants and a black leather jacket, open, shirtless, exposing fine blond chest hair and pale skin. One arm trails off into the water; next to it, an empty whiskey bottle bobs. YOUNG WOMAN Dieter doesn't care about anything. He's a nihilist. DUDE Practicing? The young woman smiles. YOUNG WOMAN You're not blowing. Brandt nervously takes the Dude by the elbow. BRANDT Our guest has to be getting along, Mrs. Lebowski. The Dude grudgingly allows himself to be led away, still looking at the young woman. DUDE You're Bunny? BUNNY I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars. Brandt releases a gale of forced laughter: BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha! Wonderful woman. Very free-spirited. We're all very fond of her. BUNNY Brandt can't watch though. Or he has to pay a hundred. BRANDT Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's marvelous. He continues to lead away the Dude, who looks back over his SHOULDER: DUDE I'm just gonna find a cash machine. BOWLING PINS Scattered by a strike. THE BOWLERS Donny calls out from the bench: DONNY Grasshopper Dude--They're dead in the water!! As the Dude walks back to the scoring table he turns to another team in black bowling shirts--the Cavaliers--that shares the lane. DUDE Your maples, Carl. Walter, just arriving, is carrying a leatherette satchel in one hand and a large plastic carrier in the other. WALTER Way to go, Dude. If you will it, it is no dream. DUDE You're fucking twenty minutes late. What the fuck is that? WALTER Theodore Herzel. DUDE Huh? WALTER State of Israel. If you will it, Dude, it is no-- DUDE What the fuck're you talking about? The carrier. What's in the fucking carrier? WALTER Huh? Oh--Cynthia's Pomeranian. Can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. DUDE What the fuck are you-- WALTER I'm saying, Cynthia's Pomeranian. I'm looking after it while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii. DUDE You brought a fucking Pomeranian bowling? WALTER What do you mean "brought it bowling"? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not gonna take your fucking turn, Dude. He lets the small yapping dog out of the carrier. It scoots around the bowling table, sniffing at bowlers and wagging its tail. DUDE Hey, man, if my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her fucking dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her to go fuck herself. Why can't she board it? WALTER First of all, Dude, you don't have an ex, secondly, it's a fucking show dog with fucking papers. You can't board it. It gets upset, its hair falls out. DUDE Hey man-- WALTER Fucking dog has papers, Dude.--Over the line! Smokey turns from his last roll to look at Walter. WALTER Smokey Huh? WALTER Over the line, Smokey! I'm sorry. That's a foul. SMOKEY Bullshit. Eight, Dude. WALTER Excuse me! Mark it zero. Next frame. SMOKEY Bullshit. Walter! WALTER This is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. DUDE Come on Walter, it's just--it's Smokey. So his toe slipped over a little, it's just a game. WALTER This is a league game. This determines who enters the next round- robin, am I wrong? SMOKEY Yeah, but-- WALTER Am I wrong!? SMOKEY Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker, Dude, I'm marking it an eight. Walter takes out a gun. WALTER Smokey my friend, you're entering a world of pain. DUDE Hey Walter-- WALTER Mark that frame an eight, you're entering a world of pain. SMOKEY I'm not-- WALTER A world of pain. A manager in a bowling-shirt style uniform is running for a phone. SMOKEY Look Dude, I don't hold with this. This guy is your partner, you should-- Walter primes the gun and points it at his head. WALTER HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY? AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES? MARK IT ZERO! The Pomeranian is excitedly yapping at Walter's elbow, making high body-twisting tail-wagging leaps. DUDE Walter, they're calling the cops, put the piece away. WALTER MARK IT ZERO! SMOKEY Walter-- WALTER YOU THINK I'M FUCKING AROUND HERE? MARK IT ZERO!! SMOKEY All right! There it is! It's fucking zero! He points frantically at the score projected above the lane. SMOKEY You happy, you crazy fuck? WALTER This is a league game, Smokey! PARKING LOT Walter and the Dude walk to the Dude's car. The Pomeranian trots happily behind Walter who totes the empty carrier. DUDE Walter, you can't do that. These guys're like me, they're pacificists. Smokey was a conscientious objector. WALTER You know Dude, I myself dabbled with pacifism at one point. Not in Nam, of course-- DUDE And you know Smokey has emotional problems! WALTER You mean--beyond pacifism? DUDE He's fragile, man! He's very fragile! As the two men get into the car: WALTER Huh. I did not know that. Well, it's water under the bridge. And we do enter the next round-robin, am I wrong? DUDE No, you're not wrong-- WALTER Am I wrong! DUDE You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole. They watch a squad car take a squealing turn into the lot. WALTER Okay then. We play Quintana and O'Brien next week. They'll be pushovers. DUDE Just, just take it easy, Walter. WALTER That's your answer to everything, Dude. And let me point out--pacifism is not--look at our current situation with that camelfucker in Iraq-- pacifism is not something to hide behind. DUDE Well, just take 't easy, man. WALTER I'm perfectly calm, Dude. DUDE Yeah? Wavin' a gun around?! WALTER (smugly) Calmer than you are. -his irritates the Dude further. DUDE Just take it easy, man! Walter is still smug. WALTER Calmer than you are. DUDE'S HOUSE A large, brilliant Persian rug lies beneath the Dude's beat- up old furniture. At the table next to the answering machine the Dude is mixing kalhua, rum and milk. VOICE Dude, this is Smokey. Look, I don't wanna be a hard-on about this, and I know it wasn't your fault, but I just thought it was fair to tell you that Gene and I will be submitting this to the League and asking them to set aside the round. Or maybe forfeit it to us-- DUDE Shit! VOICE --so, like I say, just thought, you know, fair warning. Tell Walter. A beep. ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Brandt at, uh, well--at Mr. Lebowski's office. Please call us as soon as is convenient. Beep. ANOTHER VOICE Mr. Lebowski, this is Fred Dynarski with the Southern Cal Bowling League. I just got a, an informal report, uh, that a uh, a member of your team, uh, Walter Sobchak, drew a loaded weapon during league play-- We hear the doorbell. THE DOOR It swings open to reveal a short, hairy, muscular but balding middle-aged man in a black T-shirt and black cut-off jeans. DUDE Hiya Allan. ALLAN Dude, I finally got the venue I wanted. I'm Performing my dance quintet--you know, my cycle--at Crane Jackson's Fountain Street Theatre on Tuesday night, and I'd love it if you came and gave me notes. The Dude takes a swig of his kalhua. DUDE Sure Allan, I'll be there. ALLAN Dude, uh, tomorrow is already the tenth. DUDE Yeah, yeah I know. Okay. ALLAN Just, uh, just slip the rent under my door. DUDE Yeah, okay. BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM The voice continues on the machine. VOICE --serious infraction, and examine your standing. Thank you. Beep. VOICE Mr. Lebowski, Brandt again. Please do call us when you get in and I'll send the limo. Let me assure you--I hope you're not avoiding this call because of the rug, which, I assure you, is not a problem. We need your help and, uh--well we would very much like to see you. Thank you. It's Brandt. TRACKING We are pushing Brandt down the high-ceilinged hallway. Distantly, we hear a dolorous soprano. Brandt talks back over HIS SHOULDER: BRANDT We've had some terrible news. Mr. Lebowski is in seclusion in the West Wing. DUDE Huh. Brandt throws open a pair of heavy double doors. The music washes over us as we enter a great study where Jeffrey Lebowski, a blanket thrown over his knees, stares hauntedly into a fire, listening to Lohengrin. BRANDT ANNOUNCES, AMBIGUOUSLY: BRANDT Mr. Lebowski. Jeffrey Lebowski waves the Dude in without looking around. LEBOWSKI It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of my legs. What. . . What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Dude. LEBOWSKI Huh? DUDE I don't know, sir. LEBOWSKI Is it. . . is it, being prepared to do the right thing? Whatever the price? Isn't that what makes a man? DUDE Sure. That and a pair of testicles. Lebowski turns away from the Dude with a haunted stare, lost in thought. LEBOWSKI You're joking. But perhaps you're right. The Dude thumps at his chest pocket. DUDE Mind if I smoke a jay? LEBOWSKI Bunny. He turns back around and the firelight shows teartracks on his cheeks. DUDE 'Scuse me? LEBOWSKI Bunny Lebowski. . . She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir? DUDE Fuckin' A. LEBOWSKI Strong men also cry. . . Strong men also cry. He clears his throat. LEBOWSKI I received this fax this morning. Brandt hastily pulls a flimsy sheet from his clipboard and hands it to the Dude. LEBOWSKI As you can see, it is a ransom note. Sent by cowards. Men who are unable to achieve on a level field of play. Men who will not sign their names. Weaklings. Bums. THE DUDE EXAMINES THE FAX: WE HAVE BUNNY. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED NON- CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS. NO FUNNY STUFF. DUDE Bummer. Lebowski looks soulfully at the Dude. LEBOWSKI Brandt will fill you in on the details. He wheels his chair around to once again gaze into the fire. Brandt tugs at the Dude's shirt and points him back to the hall. HALLWAY The soprano's singing is once again faint. Brandt's voice is hushed: BRANDT Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier once we get instructions for the money. DUDE Why me, man? BRANDT He suspects that the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you're in a unique position to confirm or, uh, disconfirm that suspicion. DUDE So he thinks it's the carpet-pissers, huh? BRANDT Well Dude, we just don't know. BOWLING PINS CRASH--scattered by a strike, in slow motion. WIDER Still in slow motion. We are looking across the length of the bowling alley at a tall, thin, Hispanic bowler displaying perfect form. He wears an all-in-one dacron-polyester stretch bowling outfit with a racing stripe down each side. FAST TRACK IN On the Dude, sitting next to Walter in the molded plastic chairs. The Dude is staring off towards the bowler. DUDE Fucking Quintana--that creep can roll, man-- BACK TO THE BOWLER Displaying great slow-motion form as the Dude and Walter's conversation continues over. WALTER Yeah, but he's a fucking pervert, Dude. DUDE Huh? WALTER The man is a sex offender. With a record. Spent six months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight- year-old. FLASHBACK We see Quintana, in pressed jeans and a stretchy sweater, walking up a stoop in a residential neighborhood and zinging the bell. The VOICE-OVER conversation continues. DUDE Huh. WALTER When he moved down to Venice he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he's a pederast. The door swings open and a beer-swilling middle-aged man looks dully out at Quintana, who looks hesitantly up. DONNY What's a pederast, Walter? WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny. PINS scattered by a strike. QUINTANA wheeling and thrusting a black gloved fist into the air. Stitched above the breast pocket of his all-in-one is his first name, "Jesus". BACK TO WALTER AND THE DUDE They have been joined by Donny. WALTER Anyway. How much they offer you? DUDE Twenty grand. And of course I still keep the rug. WALTER Just for making the hand-off? DUDE Yeah. He slips a little black box out of his shirt pocket. DUDE ...They gave Dude a beeper, so whenever these guys call-- WALTER What if it's during a game? DUDE I told him if it was during league play-- Donny has been watching Quintana. DONNY If what's during league play? WALTER Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit. DONNY What's wrong with Walter, Dude? DUDE I figure it's easy money, it's all pretty harmless. I mean she probably kidnapped herself. WALTER Huh? DONNY What do you mean, Dude? DUDE Rug-peers did not do this. I mean look at it. Young trophy wife. Marries a guy for money but figures he isn't giving her enough. She owes money all over town-- WALTER That...fucking...bitch! DUDE It's all a goddamn fake. Like Lenin said, look for the person who will benefit. And you will, uh, you know, you'll, uh, you know what I'm trying to say-- DONNY I am the Walrus. WALTER That fucking bitch! DUDE Yeah. DONNY I am the Walrus. WALTER Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov! DONNY What the fuck is he talking about? WALTER That's fucking exactly what happened, Dude! That makes me fucking SICK! DUDE Yeah, well, what do you care, Walter? DONNY Yeah Dude, why is Walter so pissed off? WALTER Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing-- I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet-- DUDE I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter. WALTER Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude. DUDE Walter, face it, there isn't any connection. It's your roll. WALTER Have it your way. The point is-- DUDE It's your roll-- WALTER The fucking point is-- DUDE It's your roll. VOICE Are you ready to be fucked, man? They both look up. Quintana, on his way out, looks down at them from the lip of the lanes. Over his polyester all-in-one he now wears a windbreaker with a racing stripe and "Jesus" stitched on the breast. He is holding a fancy black-and-red leather ball satchel (perhaps a Sylvia Wein). Behind him stands his partner, O'Brien, a short fat Irishman with tufted red hair. QUINTANA I see you rolled your way into the semis. Deos mio, man. Seamus and me, we're gonna fuck you up. DUDE Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man. Quintana looks at Walter. QUINTANA Let me tell you something, bendeco. You pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger til it goes "click". DUDE Jesus. QUINTANA You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Jesus walks away. Walter nods sadly. WALTER Eight-year-olds, Dude. DUDE'S BUNGALOW We are looking down at the Dude who is prone on the rug. His eyes are closed. He wears a Walkman headset. Leaking tinnily through the headphones we can just hear an intermittent clatter. In his outflung hand lies a cassette case labeled VENICE BEACH LEAGUE PLAYOFFS 1987. The Dude absently licks his lips as we faintly hear a hall rumbling down the lane. On its impact with the pins, the Dude opens his eyes. He screams. A blonde woman looms over him. Next to her a young man in paint-spattered denims stoops and swings something towards the carrier. The sap catches the Dude on the chin and sends his head thunking back onto the rug. A million stars explode against a field of black. We hear the "La-la-la-la" of The Man in Me. The black field dissolves into the pattern of the rug. The rug rolls away to reveal an aerial view of the city of Los Angeles at twilight, moving below us at great speed. The Dude is flying over the city, his arms thrown out in front of him, the wind whipping his hair and billowing his bowling shirt. He looks up. Ahead the mysterious blonde woman wings away, riding on the Dude's rug like a sheik on a magic carpet. She is outpacing us, growing smaller. The Dude does a couple of lazy crawl strokes and then notices that a bowling ball has materialized in his forward hand. His bemusement turns to concern over the aerodynamic implications just as the ball seems to suddenly assume its weight, abruptly snapping his arm down, and him after it. He is falling. From a high angle we see the Dude hurtling down toward the city, dragged by the ball. A reverse looking up shows the Dude hurtling toward us out of the inky sky, his eyes wide with horror. Led by the bowling ball, he zooms past the camera leaving us in black. We hear a distant rumble, like thunder. Dull reflections materialize in the darkness. They are glints off the shiny surface of an oncoming bowling ball. We pull back to reveal that the blackness was the inside of a ball return, and the gleaming bowling ball is being regurgitated up at us, overtaking us. The Dude looks up, up, up at the looming ball, its mass rolling a huge shadow across his face. The gleaming ball shows three dead black holes rolling toward us --finger holes. The largest--thumb--hole rolls directly over us, engulfing us once again in black.. The black rolls away and we are spinning--spinning down a bowling lane--our point of view that of someone trapped in the thumbhole of the rolling ball. We see the receding bowler spinning away. It is the blonde woman, performing her follow-through. Floor spins up at us and then away; ceiling spins up and away; the length of the alley with pins at the end; floor; ceiling; approaching pins; again and again. We hit the pins and clatter into blackness. We hear pins spin, hit each other and drop. We hear an irritating, insistent beeping. FADE IN We are close on the Dude, upside down. As the picture fades in the bowling noises continue, but filtered and faint. They come from the Dude's Walkman, the headset of which is now askew, with one arm off his ear. As the Dude opens his eyes we spiral slowly upward to put him right side around. His head is now resting against hardwood floor, not rug. DUDE Oh man. He raises himself onto his elbows and massages the red lump on his jaw. The beeper on his belt is blinking red in sync with the continuing irritating beeps. WIDE ON THE ROOM An end table is upset, but otherwise the furniture is in place. The rug is gone. The Dude looks around. The bowling sounds continue. The beeps continue. The phone starts to jangle. TRACK We push Brandt down the familiar marble hallway. Again there is a distant aria. Brandt throws out a wrist to look at his watch. BRANDT They called about eighty minutes ago. They want you to take the money and drive north on the 4 5. They'll call you on the portable phone with instructions in about forty minutes. One person only or I'd go with you. They were very clear on that: one person only. What happened to your jaw? DUDE Oh, nothin', you know. They have reached the little desk outside of the big Lebowski's office; Brandt opens its bottom drawer with a key and takes out an attache case. He hands this to the Dude along with a cellular phone in a battery-pack carrying case. BRANDT Here's the money, and the phone. Please, Dude, follow whatever instructions they give. DUDE Uh-huh. BRANDT Her life is in your hands. DUDE Oh, man, don't say that.. BRANDT Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that: Her life is in your hands. DUDE Shit. BRANDT Her life is in your hands, Dude. And report back to us as soon as it's done. DUDE'S CAR We pan off the Dude, driving, to his point of view through the front windshield. The headlights play over Walter standing waiting in front of the storefront of SOBCHAK SECURITY. Though he is wearing khaki shorts and shirt, the fact that he holds a battered brown briefcase makes him look oddly like a commuter. He also holds an irregular shape bundled in brown wrapping paper. The car stops in front of him and he opens the Dude's door and hands in the briefcase. WALTER Take the ringer. I'll drive. The Dude takes the briefcase and slides over. DUDE The what? WALTER The ringer! The ringer, Dude! Have they called yet? The Dude opens the briefcase and paws bemusedly through it as the car starts rolling. DUDE What the hell is this? WALTER My dirty undies. Laundry, Dude. The whites. DUDE Agh-- He closes the briefcase. DUDE Walter, I'm sure there's a reason you brought your dirty undies-- WALTER Thaaaat's right, Dude. The weight. The ringer can't look empty. DUDE Walter--what the fuck are you thinking? WALTER Well you're right, Dude, I got to thinking. I got to thinking why should we settle for a measly fucking twenty grand-- DUDE We? What the fuck we? You said you just wanted to come along-- WALTER My point, Dude, is why should we settle for twenty grand when we can keep the entire million. Am I wrong? DUDE Yes you're wrong. This isn't a fucking game, Walter-- WALTER It is a fucking game. You said so yourself, Dude--she kidnapped herself-- DUDE ' Yeah, but-- The phone chirps. Dude grabs it. DUDE Dude here. VOICE (German accent) Who is this? DUDE Dude the Bagman. Where do you want us to go? VOICE ...Us? DUDE Shit. . . Uh, yeah, you know, me and the driver. I'm not handling the money and driving the car and talking on the phone all by my fucking-- VOICE Shut the fuck up. (Beat) Hello? DUDE Yeah? VOICE Okay, listen-- Walter looks over at the Dude and bellows: WALTER Dude, are you fucking this up? VOICE Who is that? DUDE The driver man, I told you-- Click. Dial tone. DUDE Oh shit. Walter. WALTER What the fuck is going on there? DUDE They hung up, Walter! You fucked it up! You fucked it up! Her life was in our hands! WALTER Easy, Dude. DUDE We're screwed now! We don't get shit and they're gonna kill her! We're fucked, Walter! WALTER Dude, nothing is fucked. Come on. You're being very unDude. They'll call back. Look, she kidnapped her-- The phone chirps. WALTER Ya see? Nothing is fucked up here, Dude. Nothing is fucked. These guys are fucking amateurs-- DUDE Shutup, Walter! Don't fucking say peep when I'm doing business here. WALTER (patronizing) Okay Dude. Have it your way. The Dude unclips the phone from the battery pack. WALTER But they're amateurs. The Dude glares at Walter. Into the phone: DUDE Dude here. VOICE Okay, vee proceed. But only if there is no funny stuff. DUDE Yeah. VOICE So no funny stuff. Okay? DUDE Hey, just tell me where the fuck you want us to go. A HIGHWAY SIGN: SIMI VALLEY ROAD It flashes by in the headlights of the roaring car. DUDE That was the sign. Walter wrestles the car onto the two-lane road. WALTER Yeah. So as long as we get her back, nobody's in a position to complain. And we keep the baksheesh. DUDE Terrific, Walter. But you haven't told me how we get her back. Where is she? WALTER That's the simple part, Dude. When we make the handoff, I grab the guy and beat it out of him. He looks at the Dude. WALTER ...Huh? DUDE Yeah. That's a great plan, Walter. That's fucking ingenious, if I understand it correctly. That's a Swiss fucking watch. WALTER Thaaat's right, Dude. The beauty of this is its simplicity. If the plan gets too complex something always goes wrong. If there's one thing I learned in Nam-- The phone chirps. DUDE Dude. VOICE You are approaching a vooden britch. When you cross it you srow ze bag from ze left vindow of ze moving kar. Do not slow down. Vee vatch you. Click. Dial tone. DUDE FUCK. WALTER What'd he say? Where's the hand- off? DUDE There is no fucking hand-off, Walter! At a wooden bridge we throw the money out of the car! WALTER Huh? DUDE We throw the money out of the moving car! Walter stares dumbly for a beat. WALTER We can't do that, Dude. That fucks up our plan. DUDE Well call them up and explain it to 'em, Walter! Your plan is so fucking simple, I'm sure they'd fucking understand it! That's the beauty of it Walter! WALTER Wooden bridge, huh? DUDE I'm throwing the money, Walter! We're not fucking around! WALTER The bridge is coming up! Gimme the ringer, Dude! Chop-chop! DUDE Fuck that! I love you, Walter, but sooner or later you're gonna have to face the fact that you're a goddamn moron. WALTER Okay, Dude. No time to argue. Here's the bridge-- There is the bump and new steady of the car on the bridge. The Dude is twisting around to pull the money briefcase from the back seat. Walter reaches one arm across Dude's body to grab the laundry. And there goes the ringer. He flings it out the window. DUDE Walter! WALTER Your wheel, Dude! I'm rolling out! DUDE What the fuck? WALTER Your wheel! At fifteen em-pee-aitch I roll out! I double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! The uzi! DUDE Uzi? Walter points across the seat at the paper-wrapped bundle. WALTER You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked! DUDE Walter, please-- Walter has flung open his door and is leaning halfway out over the road. WALTER Fifteen! This is it, Dude! Let's take that hill! Walter rolls out with his parcel, giving a loud grunt as he hits the pavement. The car swerves and lurches and the Dude, cursing, takes the wheel. OUTSIDE Walter tumbles onto the shoulder and--RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!--muzzle flashes tear open the wrapping paper. INSIDE THE CAR The car rocks and the Dude wrestles with the wheel. OUTSIDE The car clunks and screams around in a skid. INSIDE The Dude is thrown forward as the car hits something. OUTSIDE As the Dude struggles out holding the satchel of money. The front of his car is crumpled into a tree. The car body saps back to the left, where the rear wheel has been shot out. WALTER is just rising from the ground massaging an injured knee. The Dude runs up the road toward the bridge, frantically waving the satchel in the air. DUDE WE HAVE IT! WE HAVE IT!! There is a distant engine roar. A motorcycle bumps up onto the road from the ravine under the bridge and, tires squealing, skids around to speed away in the opposite direction. It is closely followed by two more roaring motorcycles. DUDE WE HAVE IT!!. . . We have it! The Dude and Walter stand in the middle of the road, watching the three red tail lights fishtail away. AFTER A LONG STARING SILENCE: WALTER Ahh fuck it, let's go bowling. BOWLING LANE A ball rumbles in to scatter ten pins. WALTER. He turns from the lane to where the Dude sits in the nook of molded plastic chairs. The Dude listlessly holds the portable phone in his lap. It is ringing. WALTER Aitz chaim he, Dude. As the ex used to say. DUDE What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What the fuck're we gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER Huh? Oh, him, yeah. Well I don't see, um-- what exactly is the problem? The portable phone stops ringing. DUDE Huh? The problem is--what do you mean what's the--there's no--we didn't-- they're gonna kill that poor woman-- WALTER What the fuck're you talking about? That poor woman--that poor slut-- kidnapped herself, Dude. You said so yourself-- DUDE No, Walter! I said I thought she kidnapped herself! You're the one who's so fucking certain-- WALTER That's right, Dude, 1 % certain-- Donny is trotting excitedly up. DONNY They posted the next round of the tournament-- WALTER Donny, shut the f--when do we play? DONNY This Saturday. Quintana and-- WALTER Saturday! Well they'll have to reschedule. DUDE Walter, what'm I gonna tell Lebowski? WALTER I told that fuck down at the league office-- who's in charge of scheduling? DUDE Walter-- DONNY Burkhalter. WALTER I told that kraut a fucking thousand times I don't roll on shabbas. DONNY It's already posted. WALTER WELL THEY CAN FUCKING UN-POST IT! DUDE Who gives a shit, Walter? What about that poor woman? What do we tell-- WALTER C'mon Dude, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander back-- DONNY How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter? WALTER I'm shomer shabbas. DONNY What's that, Walter? DUDE Yeah, and in the meantime what do I tell Lebowski? WALTER Saturday is shabbas. Jewish day of rest. Means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll! DONNY Sheesh. DUDE Walter, how-- WALTER Shomer shabbas. The Dude gets to his feet with the portable phone. DUDE That's it. I'm out of here. WALTER For Christ's sake, Dude. Walter and Donny join the Dude as he walks out of the bowling alley. Hell, you just tell him--well, you tell him, uh, we made the hand-off, everything went, uh, you know-- DONNY Oh yeah, how'd it go? WALTER Went alright. Dude's car got a little dinged up-- DUDE But Walter, we didn't make the fucking hand- off! They didn't get, the fucking money and they're gonna-- they're gonna-- WALTER Yeah yeah, "kill that poor woman." He waves both arms as if conducting a symphony orchestra. WALTER Kill that poor woman. DONNY Walter, if you can't ride in a car, how d'you get around on Shammas-- WALTER Really, Dude, you surprise me. They're not gonna kill shit. They're not gonna do shit. What can they do? Fuckin' amateurs. And meanwhile, look at the bottom line. Who's sitting on a million fucking dollars? Am I wrong? DUDE Walter-- WALTER Who's got a fucking million fucking dollars parked in the trunk of our car out here? DUDE "Our" car, Walter? WALTER And what do they got, Dude? My dirty undies. My fucking whites--Say, where is the car? The three bowlers, stopped at the edge of the lot, stare out at an empty parking space. DONNY Who has your undies, Walter? WALTER Where's your car, Dude? DUDE You don't know, Walter? You seem to know the answer to everything else! WALTER Hmm. Well, we were in a handicapped spot. It, uh, it was probably towed. DUDE It's been stolen, Walter! You fucking know it's been stolen! WALTER Well, certainly that's a possibility, Dude-- DUDE Aw, fuck it. The Dude walks away across the lot. The portable phone starts ringing again. DONNY Where you going, Dude? DUDE I'm going home, Donny. DONNY Your phone's ringing, Dude. DUDE Thank you, Donny. DUDE'S LIVING ROOM The Dude is slumped disconsolately back in his easy chair, fingers of one hand cupped over his sunglasses. Facing him on the couch are two uniformed policeman, one middle-aged, the other a fresh-faced rookie. At the cut the portable phone, in the Dude's lap, is chirping. The Dude waits for the rings to end. When they do: DUDE 1972 Pontiac LeBaron. YOUNGER COP Color? DUDE Green. Some brown, or, uh, rust, coloration. YOUNGER COP And was there anything of value in the car? DULLY: DUDE Huh? Oh. Yeah. Tape deck. Couple of Creedence tapes. And there was a, uh. . . my briefcase. YOUNGER COP In the briefcase? DUDE Papers. Just papers. You know, my papers. Business papers. YOUNGER COP And what do you do, sir? DUDE I'm unemployed. OLDER COP ...Most people, we're working nights, they offer us coffee. There is silence. Dude continues to stare at a spot on the floor. The older cop stares at him. DUDE ...Me, I don't drink coffee. But it's nice when they offer. AT LENGTH: DUDE ...Also, my rug was stolen. YOUNGER COP Your rug was in the car. The Dude taps the floor with his foot. DUDE No. Here. YOUNGER COP Separate incidents? The Dude stares at the floor. Silence. OLDER COP Snap out of it, son. The home phone starts ringing--a ring distinct from the chirp of the portable. The Dude makes no move to answer it. Finally the rings stop as an answering machine kicks on. DUDE You find them much? Stolen cars? Dude's Voice on Machine The Dude's not in. Leave a message after the beep. It takes a minute. YOUNGER COP Sometimes. I wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though. Or the Creedence tapes. DUDE And the, uh, the briefcase? Beep. FEMALE VOICE ON MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, I'd like to see you. Call when you get home and I'll send a car for you. My name is Maude Lebowski. I'm the woman who took the rug. Beep. Dial tone. OLDER COP Well, I guess we can close the file on that one. TRACKING FORWARD We are moving through the open living area of a large downtown L.A. loft. A huge unfinished canvas, lit by standing industrial lights, dominates one wall. The furnishings are spare given the space. On the floor is the Dude's brilliant rug. We hear a rumble like an approaching bowling ball. The Dude, standing in the middle of the loft, looks into the murky depths of the cavernous space. Something huge and white hurtles towards the Dude's head. As it roars overhead he ducks, and spins to watch it pass. We see the backside of a naked woman in a sling suspended from a ceiling track rumbling over a canvas that lies on the floor. She is holding a paint bucket in one hand and a brush in the other, with which she flicks paint down at the canvas. The Dude turns again as he hears running footsteps. Two young men in paint-spattered shorts, T-shirts and sneakers reach the sling shortly after it reaches the end of its track and haul it back for another push. VOICE I'll be with you in a minute, Mr. Lebowski. She rumbles by in another pass. All right, we'll do the blue tomorrow. Elfranco. Pedro. Help me down. The two men help Maude out of her sling. She is naked except for leather harness straps which ring her breasts and wrap her thighs and give her something of a dominatrix look. Does the female form make you uncomfor- table, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Is that what that's a picture of? MAUDE In a sense, yes. Elfranco, my robe. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. DUDE Oh yeah? MAUDE Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his "dick" or his "rod" or his "Johnson". DUDE "Johnson"? MAUDE Thank you. This to Elfranco, who has handed her a robe. All right, Mr. Lebowski, let's get down to cases. My father told me he's agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and so was not his to give. Now. As for this. . . "kidnapping"-- DUDE Huh? MAUDE Yes, I know about it. And I know that you acted as courier. And let me tell you something: the whole thing stinks to high heaven. DUDE Right, but let me explain something about that rug-- MAUDE Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski? DUDE Excuse me? MAUDE Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it? DUDE I was talking about my rug. MAUDE You're not interested in sex? DUDE You mean coitus? MAUDE I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. But unfortunately there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy. DUDE Oh, no. MAUDE Yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these. DUDE Listen, Maude, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but I don't see what it has to do with--do you have any kalhua? MAUDE Take a look at this, sir. She is aiming a remote at a projection TV. The screen flickers to life. A title card: JACKIE TREEHORN PRESENTS SECOND CARD: KARL HUNGUS AND BUNNY LAJOYA IN A THIRD CARD: LOGJAMMIN' The Dude is at the bar, a bottle of kalhua frozen halfway to his glass. From the television set we hear a doorbell ring, and then a door opening. On the TV screen the door opens to reveal a sallow-faced man in blue coyer-alls. It is Dieter, the floater in Lebowski's pool. DIETER Hello. Nein dizbatcher says zere iss problem mit deine kable. DUDE Shit, I know that guy. He's a nihilist. MAUDE And you recognize her, of course. The girl answering the door is Bunny Lebowski. Bunny The TV is in here. DIETER Za, okay, I bring mein toolz. Bunny This is my friend Shari. She just came over to use the shower. MAUDE (grimly) The story is ludicrous. DIETER Mein nommen iss Karl. Is hard to verk in zese clozes-- Maude switches off the set. MAUDE Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here. DUDE He fixes the cable? MAUDE Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. Little matter to me that this woman chose to pursue a career in pornography, nor that she has been "banging" Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times. However. I am one of two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation, the other being my father. The Foundation takes youngsters from Watts and-- DUDE Shit yeah, the achievers. MAUDE Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes, and proud we are of all of them. I asked my father about his withdrawal of a million dollars from the Foundation account and he told me about this "abduction", but I tell you it is preposterous. This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride. DUDE Yeah, but my- MAUDE I'm getting to your rug. My father and I don't get along; he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. Still, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to. DUDE Well--sure, I could do that-- MAUDE If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 1% of the recovered sum. DUDE A hundred. MAUDE Thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them. DUDE Yeah, but what about-- MAUDE --your rug, yes, well with that money you can buy any number of rugs that don't have sentimental value for me. And I am sorry about that crack on the jaw. The Dude fingers his jaw, where the lump from the sap has all but disappeared. DUDE Oh that's okay, I hardly even-- MAUDE Here's the name and number of a doctor who will look at it for you. You will receive no bill. He's a good man, and thorough. DUDE That's really thoughtful but I-- MAUDE Please see him, Jeffrey. He's a good man, and thorough. LIMO The Dude sits in back holding a White Russian, listening to the chauffeur, a man of about the same age from whose livery cap a ponytail emerges. DRIVER --So he says, "My son can't hold a job, my daughter's married to a fuckin' loser, and I got a rash on my ass so bad I can't hardly siddown. But you know me. I can't complain." THROUGH RASPING LAUGHTER: DUDE Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash. Fuckin' A, man. I gotta tell ya Tony. He takes a sip of a freshly-mixed White Russian, which leaves milk on his mustache. I was feeling really shitty earlier in the day, I'd lost a little money, I was down in the dumps. TONY Aw, forget about it. DUDE Yeah, man! Fuck it! I can't be worrying about that shit. Life goes on! The limo has rolled to a stop. The Dude gets out, still holding his drink. TONY Home sweet home, Mr. L. Who's your friend in the Volkswagon? DUDE Huh? His eyes on the rearview mirror, Tony jerks a thumb over his shoulder. He followed us here. The Dude turns to look. HIS POV Halfway up the block a Volkswagon bug has pulled over to the curb. In the driver's seat we see a fat man's shape. THE DUDE He scowls. DUDE When did he- The Dude is grabbed from behind and muscled away in a half- nelson by another uniformed chauffeur. SECOND CHAUFFEUR Into the limo, you sonofabitch. No arguments. As he is frog-marched towards another limo the Dude holds his drink away from his chest and cups a hand underneath it. DUDE Fuck, man! There's a beverage here! The waiting limo's back door is flung open. INSIDE The Dude is shoved in and awkwardly takes a seat facing the rear. The door is slammed behind him. LEBOWSKI Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum! BRANDT We've been frantically trying to reach you, Dude. Brandt sits catty-corner from the Dude; directly across from the Dude is the big Lebowski, a comforter across his knees. LEBOWSKI Where's my goddamn money, you bum?! DUDE Well we--I don't-- LEBOWSKI They did not receive the money, you nitwit! They did not receive the goddamn money. HER LIFE WAS IN YOUR HANDS! BRANDT This is our concern, Dude. DUDE No, man, nothing is fucked here-- LEBOWSKI NOTHING IS FUCKED! THE GODDAMN PLANE HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN! The Dude takes a hurried sip from his drink. DUDE C'mon man, who're you gonna believe? Those guys are--we dropped off the damn money-- LEBOWSKI WHAT?! DUDE I--the royal we, you know, the editorial--I dropped off the money, exactly as per--Look, I've got certain information, certain things have come to light, and uh, has it ever occurred to you, man, that given the nature of all this new shit, that, uh, instead of running around blaming me, that this whole thing might just be, not, you know, not just such a simple, but uh--you know? LEBOWSKI What in God's holy name are you blathering about? DUDE I'll tell you what I'm blathering about! I got information--new shit has come to light and--shit, man! She kidnapped herself! Lebowski stares at him, dumbstruck. The Dude is encouraged. DUDE Well sure, look at it! Young trophy wife, I mean, in the parlance of our times, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers-- and that's cool, that's cool-- but I'm saying, she needs money, and of course they're gonna say they didn't get it 'cause she wants more, man, she's gotta feed the monkey, I mean-- hasn't that ever occurred to you...? Sir? LEBOWSKI (quietly) No. No Mr. Lebowski, that had not occurred to me. BRANDT That had not occurred to us, Dude. DUDE Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so uh, you know, but that's what you pay me for. Speaking of which, would it be possible for me to get my twenty grand in cash? I gotta check this with my accountant of course, but my concern is that, you know, it could bump me into a higher tax-- LEBOWSKI Brandt, give him the envelope. DUDE Well, okay, if you've already made out the check. Brandt is handing him a letter-sized envelope which is distended by something inside. BRANDT We received it this morning. The Dude, frowning, untucks its flap, takes out some cotton wadding and unrolls it. LEBOWSKI Since you have failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was your charge, since you have stolen my money, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust. The wadding, undone, reveals a smaller wad of gauze taped up inside. The Dude undoes the tape with his fingernails and starts to unroll the inner package. LEBOWSKI I have no choice but to tell these bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their money from you, Jeffrey Lebowski. And with Brandt as my witness, tell you this: Any further harm visited upon Bunny, shall be visited tenfold upon your head. Between thumb and forefinger the Dude holds up the contents of the package--a little toe, with emerald green nail polish. LEBOWSKI ...By God sir. I will not abide another toe. COFFEE SHOP The Dude and Walter sit at the counter, both staring off into space, both absently stirring their coffee with little clinking noises. AFTER A LONG BEAT: WALTER That wasn't her toe. DUDE Whose toe was it, Walter? WALTER How the fuck should I know? I do know that nothing about it indicates-- DUDE The nail polish, Walter. WALTER Fine, Dude. As if it's impossible to get some nail polish, apply it to someone else's toe-- DUDE Someone else's--where the fuck are they gonna-- WALTER You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. DUDE But Walter-- WALTER I'll get you a toe by this afternoon--with nail polish. These fucking amateurs. They send us a toe, we're supposed to shit our- selves with fear. Jesus Christ. My point is-- DUDE They're gonna kill her, Walter, and then they're gonna kill me-- WALTER Well that's just, that's the stress talking, Dude. So far we have what looks to me like a series of victimless crimes-- DUDE What about the toe? WALTER FORGET ABOUT THE FUCKING TOE! A waitress enters. WAITRESS Could you please keep your voices down--this is a family restaurant. WALTER Oh, please dear! I've got news for you: the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint! DUDE Walter, this isn't a First Amendment thing. WAITRESS Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to have to ask you to leave. WALTER Lady, I got buddies who died face- down in the muck so you and I could enjoy this family restaurant! THE DUDE GETS UP: DUDE All right, I'm leaving. I'm sorry ma'am. WALTER Don't run away from this, Dude! Goddamnit, this affects all of us! The Dude has left frame; Walter calls after him: WALTER Our basic freedoms! He looks defiantly around. WALTER I'm staying. Finishing my coffee. He stirs the coffee, bopping his head in time to the Muzak, affecting nonchalance. WALTER Finishing my coffee. DUDE'S BATHROOM A dripping noise. The Dude sits in the bathtub, staring stuporously, a joint pinched in one hand, a washcloth draped over his head. We hear the phone ringing in the other roam. The Dude is staring at his toes, which protrude from the soapy water, splayed against the far side of the tub. After the Dude's outgoing message we hear: VOICE THROUGH MACHINE Mr. Lebowski, this is Duty Officer Rolvaag of the L.A.P.D. The Dude looks stuporously up, his head swaying. VOICE THROUGH MACHINE We've recovered your vehicle. It can be claimed at the North Hollywood Auto Circus there on Victory. DUDE Far out. Far fuckin' out. MESSAGE You'll just need to present a-- The message is interrupted by loud smashing sounds, as of someone applying a baseball bat to the answering machine. DUDE Hunh? He looks blearily at the open doorway. A tall man dressed in black leather with a cricket paddle is striding across the living room towards the bathroom. DUDE Hey! This is a private residence, man! The man has entered the bathroom and, in stride, swings the cricket paddle up to smash the overhead light. Two other men are entering behind him. The room is dark now except for spill from the living room; the men are backlit shapes. One of them holds a string at the other end of which a small animal skitters excitedly about the floor. The Dude looks curiously at the small, nattering animal. DUDE Nice marmot. The man with the string scoops up the marmot and tosses it, screaming, into the bathtub. The Dude screams. The marmot splashes frantically, biting at the Dude in a frenzy of fearful aggression. FIRST MA

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