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McDude's Kind of CoolThe third party |
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� 2005-02-02 - 10:15 p.m. Written December 8th 2004 Written over the course of several weeks. Neglected Journal! Number entry 1 I haven�t published in nearly 2 months. Why? Fear mostly. Most of my procrastination stems from fear of failing. I went to a Bar Mitzvah last weekend. During the reception the father was giving a speech and said,�When you are young you can�t wait to get older, and then when you�re older you wish you were young again. Cherish every moment of your youth because you�re only young once.� My parents gave me similar advice. I might have taken it a little too seriously. I blew off homework to hang out with friends a little to often. I blew off baseball to hang out with friends. I blew off lots of things to hang out with friends. Now I hardly remember half of the great times I had. I wonder what if I had gotten better grades and went to different college how would my life be different? All in all I�ve had a good time. Hopefully that translates into a good future. He also told the boy, �Face your fears because with each challenge you conquer you�ll gain more confidence.� Now that is a bit of advice my parents could have provided me. But who needs to face your fears when you�re having a good time! Even if I had heard that line at 13 I would probably still procrastinate. Or maybe I would be less likely to dread unknown tasks. Maybe my avoidance of fearful tasks is genetic? Who knows? Nature vs. Nurture. The relationship between BB and I is over. I�ve been dreading writing about this for nearly 2 months. It was mostly my fault. My fear. BB and I were dating other people, or at least trying to date other people. The threat of a third party jumping in was constantly there and caused a lot of problems. However neither one of us had any luck. Until December, when out of the blue a girl wrote me via an Internet dating site. Girls never wrote me and when they did it was usually someone I would never consider dating. We went out and hit it off. The threat of a third party had instantly become a reality. I dreaded breaking the news to BB. BB then said, �You�re not going to invite her out on New Years eve are you?� I replied with of course not. Then, BB and I made plans to hang out on a Saturday night. She called to finalize the plans and I asked if this new girl bothered her? She said, �Yes, but what else is new.� pause, �You are not considering inviting her out on New Years are you?� For some reason that seemed to be a good time to let her know that this girl seemed different, that the new girl was the third party threat we�d been waiting for. �Yes I�m considering it.� After that it was one verbal blunder after another on my part. Any hope of saving a friendship was dashed. For that I�m sorry. I don�t know if a friendship could have been saved anyhow. For some reason I always thought it would be fine if I started dating someone else. Now I realize that was blind and na�ve of me. But we didn�t need to end so badly. I was really choked up after that conversation. I was choked up so much the next day that I cried. I didn�t speak to her again until after New Years Eve. She wanted an explanation, an apology. The only thing that might have pleased her would have been a grand romantic gesture. I would have needed to throw myself at her feet and tell her that no one could replace her. I was a fool and that I loved only her, but that wasn�t the truth. I can�t explain why we couldn�t have a relationship. I can�t explain why the third party and I can have a relationship. Although we were friends with benefits it is really a break up. We let the relationship go to far. Now we�re left with nothing. I guess mixing friends and lovers together isn�t a good idea. Like this entry? Vote for me here!
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